Currently - November

What We Did - 

Celebrated my birthday, went to the playground with Isabelle, introduced the girls to Pepper Ann, stayed home with two sick kids for almost a full work week, did a Target Christmas trip to pick our ornaments, Norah got her first vaccine(!!!), tried to take family photos, and celebrated Thanksgiving in Malad. 

Inspired by - 

The idea of being super organized for Christmas, pretty wrapping paper, all the cute small shops I follow on Instagram.

Watching -

Mythic Quest. The Great British Bake-Off. Holiday Baking Championship. Rewatching Superstore. Finished Only Murders in the Building. THE FIRST TWO TWILIGHT MOVIES WHICH I HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE I SAW THEM IN THEATERS AND THEY ARE HORRIBLE AND PERFECT.

Reading - 

The Inheritance Games. The Plot. Christmas Shopaholic. Sometimes I Trip On How Happy We Could Be. Also I remembered the Alice series of books that I loved when I was a tween so I checked out the first three to re-read. I've read one so far (The Agony of Alice) and it completely holds up. I'm excited to read the whole series.

Thinking about - 

That my gym bag has been sitting, fully packed and ready to go, under my desk for going on two weeks now. Interesting. 

Being the maker of the christmas magic.

How happy I am that the weather has been so nice, quickly followed by terror of what that means, environment wise. And....water wise. 

Listening to - 

The "Modern Eclectic" Spotify playlist. Decoder Ring. The Popcast's Bachelorette recaps even though I'm not watching this season. The new season of Threedom! Also Maintenance Phase forever and ever. 

Dream Life -

I keep dreaming that I'm driving by "our" library (the one closest to us) and see that it's all boarded up and maybe damaged by fire. I also had a dream that I was pregnant with TWO babies, but they weren't twins. They were 4 months apart. So when I said dream I actually mean nightmare.

Researching - 

Christmas gifts. Covid symptoms in kids (I should just always keep this bookmarked). If there's anything I need at the Sephora sale. Christmas stockings. Planners, even though I have my 2022 one. Christmas Markets. All the cute local shops.

Organizing - 

The cupboard in the kitchen that functions as a hodgepodge at best and a junk drawer at worst. The Halloween decorations. ALL THE PAPERS THAT NORAH IS CONSTANTLY BRINGING HOME FOLDED UP IN HER BACKPACK. 

Grateful for - 

That Norah can get vaccinated! That maybe someday all my kids can be vaccinated! That I could get my booster! 

What the girls are into - 

Norah - "Let's play a game we've never played before!" is her most common phrase. We've played dentist, dance class hospital (where she gets hurt in dance class and has to go to the hospital), pet shop (where I adopt her and June as new pets) and always hospital where I'm setting broken bones and delivering babies all day. She loves to tell us facts she's read about (did you know you're taller in the morning?) and she's devouring books faster than I can get them from the library. She was also so fun at Thanksgiving this year. She tried a lot of different foods and loved all the whipped cream salads. And when she was done eating she read under the table for a while. I'm personally obsessed with the language arts projects she has at school where she has to write about something she just learned. She did a version of this on my phone and wrote "The Koala. There was a koala who lost her family and she went to the woods and got more lost. Oh no." 

June - Me scratching her arm, her legs, her back, the backs of her hands. Cuddling. Pretending to be a ballerina. Wearing a worn out pink leotard as pajamas until I bribe her with another one and can wash it. Playing with the Christmas tree ornaments. Being "100 sneaky". Singing in the car. 

What Everett is doing - 

Crawling SO FAST. Taking maybe a step or two? Leaning against things. Climbing whatever he can. Playing in the pantry and eating handfuls of oats. Saying "vroom vroom" constantly. 

Missing - 

Fall weather already. The sun not setting at 5. My favorite jeans that just wore through at the thigh. 

Looking forward to - 

Meh. I'm not excited about the holidays yet? So uuuuh, I'm excited to GET excited for the holidays. That's a thing, right?

i love campus in the fall.

Currently - September/October

What We Did - 

Part 1 anniversary celebration with tacos and 22 Jump Street. A day trip to Malad to visit my mom and her new puppy, visit the new splash pad,  and go to Malad's very first art walk! Girls brunch at Caffe Niche (they continue to have my second favorite coffee. first is sugarhouse coffee). Our neighbors watched the kids and we had a quick day date to 3 Cups and added in a Target run for good measure. Part 2 anniversary celebration in Park City where we spend two glorious days and nights sleeping, eating, and tripping. We kicked off fall AND birthday month (more on those later.) A birthday party at The Leonardo. Brunch at Beaumont Bakery. First time at Oquirrh Park. A weekend with Ev while the big kids were in Malad. Track 5, a podcast show/Taylor Swift dance party (highly highly recommend). 

Inspired by - 

Pastel Halloween décor. Cooler mornings. A clean(er) pantry. A truly amazing sunset. The way the moon looks just above the mountains while the sun is still out. 

Watching - 

BIP, Reservation Dogs, What We Do In the Shadows, B99, Lularich, Only Murders in the Building, RHSLC, Sex Education, The Chair.  Sex Education is the best thing on TV right now. I won't be taking questions at this time.

Reading - 

Emergency Contact, Rise and Fall (I finished it!), The One You're With, The 71/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle

Thinking about - 

Lists lists list. My brain is all lists. Lists of Halloween costume ideas. Lists of what fall/winter clothes the girls need. Lists of all the fun projects I want to work on that I have no energy for. Also, how to find joy in all the tasks of adulthood and parenting. 

Also thinking about how yesterday while picking up one of Norah's (many) notes I realized that we won't always have her artwork and rule lists everywhere and I started to cry? My, but motherhood has done a number on me. 

Listening to - 

The 9/12 podcast. The Believed podcast. Both quick series about 9/11 (but not what you would expect) and the Larry Nassar case. To balance all that cheery content I also listened to a lot of the Popcast. I did NOT listen to the episode of You're Wrong About about Michael leaving.

Researching - 

Red garbage trucks, a Taylor Swift themed outfit for Track 5, planners, Halloween costumes, birthday gifts for ALL THE KIDS, Morticia Addams makeup, Dr. Marten dupes, bunkbeds, and green wallpaper.

Organizing - 

The kids clothes, endlessly. The pantry. All the cords by the couch that connect to the wifi and the phone and computer chargers. Ev's toys, in preparation for him getting a few new birthday toys. My closet. My shoes. One kitchen cabinet so I could see all my coffee supplies more easily. 

Cooking + Eating + Drinking - 

Recipes from the Mealime meal planning app. (korean beef bowls, taco salad are the favorites so far). FOOD FROM PARK CITY (mostly Firewood. It was the best food I've ever eaten.) Amaaazing drunken noodles from Siam Orchid. My favorite tortilla chicken soup.

Grateful for - Being able to celebrate all the kids birthdays. Having the time to do all the fall things. My mom being fully vaccinated.

What the girls are into - 

Playing the floor is lava. Or sometimes water. 

Norah - taking the links of the paper chain counting down to her birthday. Playing endless variations of hospital. The inciting incident may change, and the injury may change, but it always ends with her going to the hospital for a broken bone. Once, a collapsed lung. She will also draw the x-rays. She's gone full tilt into reading chapter books and has been devouring Dory Fantasmagory. Watching her get immersed by reading is my favorite favorite thing. She is also getting more into writing and so far mostly makes "about me" pages. I helped her make a list of possible story ideas to work on and it included unicorns, dinosaurs, LOLs, hospital, space, Halloween, animals, among us, nature, donuts, candy, and toys. Which...is a pretty good summary of her interests. 

June - playing with the decorative skeleton. Being a princess with an accent. Usually during the hospital game.... Pretending to be a baby or a baby animal. Pretending to be pregnant, though lately she has grown impatient with trying to keep a doll under her shirt, so she will declare that the bed is her uterus and the baby will hang out there until she is ready to deliver. She's very excited about Halloween and things that are spooky. She is always speaking in an excited manner and making her eyes big when she has a fun idea. She is very into cuddling, especially when she is supposed to be in bed, and tells me "you can scratch my back if you want..."

What Everett is doing - 

Crawling everywhere like he is on a mission. Being delighted when he can follow someone into another room. Standing up for a few seconds on his own. Getting VERY offended if something gets taken away from him. Bobbing his head when he is excited or happy. Getting very demanding if he isn't fed a favorite food quickly enough. Climbing in laundry baskets, and over the ottoman, over and over again. Clapping, laughing, and smacking his lips when we ask him to say things.

Magic - 

Sitting outside in Malad watching the puppy and the kids chase each other. The fire show in Park City. Watching the moon on the balcony of our hotel. Holding Everett after he falls asleep. Watching the girls run down the street to trick-or-treat.

Missing - 

My pre-pandemic brain, which feels like it's probably gone forever. Sleeping in our bed. The time in my life that I think existed, where I didn't wait in dread for Daylight Savings.

Looking forward to - 

More family walks. Sitting under more blankets. Coffee, generally. How excited the girls will be on the first snow.

Everett Owen Walker - A Birth Story

It's October 2nd. Brian and I are standing outside our apartment building and I'm awkwardly trying to pivot my body so my distended stomach can get a full hit of the light glowing from the full moon. I am 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant and crossing my fingers that a full moon will send me into labor. 

8 1/2 months earlier I was spiraling. I was nauseated unless I was asleep. I felt so run down and overwhelmed and frankly, terrified. I didn't know how I would survive the toil of a pregnancy, the stress of a pandemic, or the eventual reality of having three kids. One morning on the way out to the car, I saw the morning moon and a feeling of calm passed over me. There was the quickest moment of knowing I could do this. And then a kid needed to be buckled into their carseat or show me a bug or something and the moment was over. The first (and most of the second) trimester dragged on and on, with the "silver lining" of a combined pandemic and pregnancy being that one was always distracting me from the other. We stayed home, I parented the best I could, the baby grew. The days grew longer and hotter and I longed for our swimming pool to be open, for a babymoon, for any piece of normalcy. I would see the moon and get the air back in my lungs for a moment. And then suddenly it was October and I was hoping the moon would once again do me a solid and get labor started.  

I had foolishly expected a third baby to arrive early. I scheduled an induction for October 5th, the day after my due date, just to have that box checked, but was certain he would arrive well before that. If, by some unfortunate circumstance, I was still pregnant in October, surely a full moon on the 2nd would pop him out. Ha! The day before my induction arrived and I was still extremely pregnant. 

My parents came down that afternoon to visit and take the girls for the week. Around 4, I got a call from L&D asking if I wanted to come in that night for my induction instead of in the morning. My first thought was "Oh, of course not," but I told then I would call them back. Immediately my brain started spinning. How can you be so eager and impatient for something but then also want to put it off for a while? I'll never understand. We sent off the girls and discussed the options, and Nathan even video chatted with us about it. I decided I would rather get this show on the road instead of spending one more anxious night at home. I called back to confirm and as soon as I hung up realized I was urgently hungry. Brian picked up dinner from Taqueria 27 (the same place we ate before my induction/c-section with Norah. We love a tradition). We ate, I stress vacuumed, and we listened to a podcast (IHIBILI) to pass the time. 

At 7 we nervously got into the car and had what felt like the longest drive ever to the hospital. I've always been able to walk waddle calmly into the hospital to have my babies which (as with most parts of birth) goes against everything I was taught from tv. We checked in and got to talk neighborhood news with the nurse, as he lived in a complex just down the street from us. 

After getting checked in, settled, and double-checking that baby boy was facing the right direction (after Norah being surprise breech I'll never trust that a baby is head down) the plan was laid out. Pitocin, something to soften my cervix, and a foley insertion. And then a full night of sleep! (HA). The night was uncomfortable but uneventful. It felt like a crime that I had to pee so frequently which required me to remove the baby monitors strapped to my giant abdomen, unplug the iv power cord, avoid getting tangled in the remaining cords as I pulled the iv bar into the bathroom AND THEN deal with using the bathroom while there was a small balloon inserted into my vagina. 

ANYWAY.

I didn't get much sleep. Shockingly. But I did listen to a couple episodes of You're Wrong About that were about Princess Diana. So, not the worst night. The foley came out around 5 am and by 7 those pitocin contractions were just rolling on through. They were uncomfortable but not too major yet. As the morning progressed so did the contractions and I finally had to get out of bed try to move through them. Since I was hooked up to ALL THE THINGS I mostly stayed by the top corner of my bed, and used it to lean over and try to breath through them. I tried to keep eating my breakfast so I would have something in my system before the epidural and Brian put on my baby playlist. 

(Brian's portable speaker kept repeating that it was connected to bluetooth and, though it was a robot voice, I wanted to strangle her. I was bent over the corner of my hospital bed and growled for her to stop.talking.)

Breakfast became unconsumable. The contractions had amped up a lot, and the nurse was doing counterpressure which helped so much. What kind of witch magic is that? She showed Brian how to do it, and he gently checked in to see if I was ready for the epidural. Don't ask me why I always have to be nudged towards pain relief when it's always been a major player in my birth plan. The epidural was ordered and I got some kind of pain relief in the meantime, which proved extremely helpful in keeping me calm and still for the epidural. I got the epidural at 10:40 and by 11:50 they broke my water and I was at 6 cm. I was feeling elated that things were moving along, my epidural was working beautifully, and that I was so close to finally getting that baby in my arms.

Unfortunately, by 2:30 progress had stalled and they upped the pitocin. I tried to get comfortable, but I was having back labor that the epidural wasn't touching. My nurse helped me get on my side and summoned like 10 pillows out of nowhere to support my unwieldy body (more witch magic!). She thought maybe the baby was posterior, which was contributing to the back labor. I upped the epidural meds a bit and finally finally got some sleep.

All this time I was being periodically checked by the midwife and the midwife in training, Nathan, who had picked up a shift specifically so he could be there. All praise Nathan! 

During my nap, I heard the midwife come in to check things, but told everyone to wait and let me sleep. All praise the midwife!

A while later I was woken up to hear that it was go time! The monitors had shown progress that I was unaware of in my epidural dream state. It was around 4 pm and it was pushing time. I pushed a few times and it looked like he had turned back into anterior position (sweet!). The midwife asked if I wanted to feel his head. I did! And I'll be honest, it felt gross. But it was gross AND exciting!! 

I asked if this was it and everyone nodded and suddenly the amount of people in the room seemed to triple. (I'll never get over the absolute ease I felt as one person after another was formally introduced to my entire bottom half). Just by chance, the song I walked down the aisle to was playing. As they readied everything for the delivery, I caught Brian's hand and pulled him down for a kiss. Nathan gave me the go-ahead and got into baby-catching position. I gave my all for the final push and felt his body leave mine. Feeling the release of the pressure that had been steadily growing for 9 months was the biggest relief. My beautiful, red, mad baby was placed on my stomach. I touched his face and thanked everything that he was here safely. All I wanted was to hold him, but it was determined that he needed his lungs cleared a little more. They kept him in the room and I asked Brian to stay with him. I knew he was safe but immediately began sobbing. Suddenly being on your own after all this big activity is a profoundly lonely feeling. I know people checked on me, and for crying out loud, I TOLD Brian to go be with the baby, mere feet away. But it's just...a lot of feelings. 

I somehow had the presence of mind to try and distract myself. I asked Nathan if I could see the placenta and he showed me the BRAND NEW organ that my body had made that had sustained my baby for months. Then, finally, it was time. They brought me my baby and all the pieces fell back into place as he laid on my chest. I stroked his cheeks and his soft downy hair. He kept trying to latch and I nursed him for the first time. And then we were able to just stare at him and hold his tiny hand and be in our magic bubble for almost two hours. Everett Owen Walker, our little pandemic moon baby, was finally here and he was perfect. 

Currently - August

August. August was....fine? It was good because we swam a lot and had cold treat Wednesdays. We went to a bunch of playgrounds and the library. But it sucked because I fully spiraled out about Norah going back to school, had to take a social media break because everything is so dark right now, became completely overwhelmed by the constant list of things to be done, and cried like, a bunch of times. Um, but we also started to make a Halloween village? So I guess it's a toss-up.

Inspired by - 

My fall desktop wallpaper rotation. The big thunderstorm that terrified my children and delighted me. Watching my kids fully commit to their imaginative play. 

Watching - 

The third season of Glow Up. We continued Wes Fest and watched Life Aquatic. Bachelor in Paradise, my favorite messy summer show.  Enjoyed/mocked He's All That with Ashley. Finished the 3rd season of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Rewatching Happy Endings for the....fifth time? CNN Clips from 9/11 (see below)

Reading - 

Fall and Rise: The Story of 9/11. So, this book. Someone on instagram said they were reading it in honor of the 20 year anniversary. Great idea, I thought. (???) I got through first half. It was really good. So detailed, a lot of personal narratives and also...extremely tragic. Then I had a mid-month mental break and decided to take a break from the book. I can highly recommend it just based on the first half, and plan to finish it when I'm in a better place. Evvie Drake Starts Over - this was cute and the perfect checking out book my brain needed. Also it's by Linda Holmes, one of my favorite NPR podcast hosts. Nothing to See Here - this has been a quick read (still have 25% left) about kids who....start on fire? That's truly the plot and I'm on board. 

Thinking about - 

9/11 (see above). How much I wish we had a 3 bedroom apartment/house/condo/whatever.

Listening to - 

The new Laura Stevenson album. The Deep Dive Podcast. June saying "yes mama" and "thank you mama" in the sweetest way. Ev clapping. Norah explaining the details of the latest game of pretend she wants me to join.   

Organizing - 

The new art table. The bottom shelves of the record kallax. (I re-organized it so Ev had easy access to all the board books and it's been a huge hit.) The front closet. 

Cooking + Eating + Drinking - 

Comfort food. A bowl of cinnamon life before bed. A berry pie I made (read: baked from frozen) at 9 pm one night. 

Grateful for - 

September 1st being an acceptable time to start pretending it's Fall. The GIANT post-its we found at work. The people who care for my children. My husband. Cookie delivery. 

What the girls are into - 

Norah - all her doctor books from the library (including one about organ transplants that causes me to keep asking her if it's too much for her. Because it's definitely too much for me). Reading graphic novels (current favorites are babysitter's club little sister, chick and brain, and bee and puppycat). Going back to school. Swimming!

June - Her new dinosaur backpack. Norah's doctor books. The giant inflatable Slurpee on top of a 7-11 we drive by every day. The Juno soundtrack. Starting preschool. 

What Everett is doing - 

10 months! Clapping. Bouncing. Giving kisses (only to Brian). He can often be found, brow furrowed, mmmm-ing and practicing blowing spit bubbles. Also trying his very hardest to get a fistful of cat food as a light snack.

Magic - 

The moon when it looked like an orange slice. The rare moments when all the kids are (somewhat) quietly occupied and I can just observe them. 

Missing - 

It can't be said enough: sleep. Brain space. A clean house. 

Looking forward to - 

School feeling more routine for all of us. Halloween things. My kids being able to get vaccinated.