I've been an official member of the LDS church since I
was 18. I'm leaving it at 28. Having a nice round 10 to quantify my years of
membership seems fitting.
I know when a big
change occurs, people want to know what happened. I think people want it boiled
down to one easy answer. What was the solitary thing that pushed you to this
decision? What was the final straw?
"I hesitate
because there was no single event, thought, or behavior that truly caused me to
question my identity as a Mormon. My faith narrative is complex, and when I try
and explain things in a chronological narrative, the significance of those things
always feels diminished." (I saved this quote from another person's essay
because it's exactly how I feel, but articulated so much better) However, I'll
lay out a quick summary if you're interested.
When I joined the church at 18 (or
rather, when i started attending at 15), the church was a great fit for me. It
included most of my social group, it gave me something to do, it gave me a path that I needed. When I started to step away over a year ago, it was
because the church wasn't a good fit for me anymore. The church had changed and
I had changed. It wasn't making me a better person, it wasn't making me happy.
I tried to make it work until I couldn't anymore. I
couldn't make the LDS stance on the LGBT+ community work anymore. I can't make
sense of a loving God requiring his LGBT+ children to live a single and
celibate life. That's not love, it's a punishment. I couldn't make the way I
felt marginalized as a woman in the church work anymore. I couldn't make
polygamy work. The list goes on. I don't even know what the breaking point was,
I just know that it was like a switch got flipped and suddenly I knew I
couldn't make it work anymore. I had to move forward.
I don't regret my time spent in the church. It shaped
me during formidable years, provided me with a safety net, and most importantly
helped me meet Brian (at a ward prayer, of all things). There are things I
certainly miss about the LDS church. I miss the sense of community. I think the
people are the best part of the church. I miss the sense of certainty. I miss feeling the connection I had with
people all over the world. I miss the shared experiences I had with my other
believing friends. Sometimes it feels like there is a gulf between us now, and
I'm wary to make even a lighthearted joke about the church for fear of it being
misconstrued as my being a bitter ex-Mormon.
I don't miss the
guilt. I don't miss feeling like I wasn't good enough or that I never quite
belonged. I don't miss constantly trying to fit myself into a box that was the
wrong shape for me. I don't miss how I felt like it was my right to judge
other's worthiness. I don't miss having to ignore my own gut feelings about
what was right because someone else was telling me what was really right. I don't miss quieting my
own inner voice to listen to someone else's. There is so much peace in being
able to follow my own voice, to give myself permission to decide what makes me
a good person and choose how to live a fulfilling life.
I love this new
sense of freedom and lightness. I never expected to have a life where I felt so
free. I love the ability to decide for myself what spirituality will look like.
I love knowing that I won't have to worry about my daughter growing up in a
church that doesn't always seem to value her.
I no longer believe in one true church or the Mormon
version of God. I believe in a God who is inclusive of everyone. Who loves
everyone. Who I don't have to communicate with through my husband. I don't
believe any one religion is better or more special than others. I don't believe
in looking down on others for not living up to impossible and arbitrary
standards. I don't believe in making people jump through hoops their whole life
in the hope that they will get to be with their families in heaven.
I think love is enough.
I always believed in a heaven and being with my family
there. Being Mormon taught me that I wouldn't be. I believe in people choosing
their own path, their own way back to God, and their own happiness. I believe
in love. I believe in acceptance. I believe in coffee.
It's hard to know I've
disappointed and upset people. I just want to please people and for everyone to
approve of my decisions. It's hard that it feels like this one decision will
invalidate other decisions. That my marriage is seen as less valid, or my
parenting decisions are less inspired. It's hard that people may view bad
things that happen to us being a result of leaving the church. It's hard to know
that some people won't believe me when I say our lives have been so happy and
so blessed since we left. Things have worked out and fallen into place, our
marriage is stronger, and we're both much happier people.
To my friends and family who stay, don't think I am
encouraging you to leave. If the church works for you, if it brings you
happiness, then absolutely that's where you should be. I hope to see all of you
making the church a more accepting place, and I'm so happy you find your joy
there. For those who might be
struggling, know that you're not alone, that there are others like you. Know
that no matter where you land, it will get better.
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