On Leaving

I've been an official member of the LDS church since I was 18. I'm leaving it at 28. Having a nice round 10 to quantify my years of membership seems fitting.

I know when a big change occurs, people want to know what happened. I think people want it boiled down to one easy answer. What was the solitary thing that pushed you to this decision? What was the final straw?

"I hesitate because there was no single event, thought, or behavior that truly caused me to question my identity as a Mormon. My faith narrative is complex, and when I try and explain things in a chronological narrative, the significance of those things always feels diminished." (I saved this quote from another person's essay because it's exactly how I feel, but articulated so much better) However, I'll lay out a quick summary if you're interested.

When I joined the church at 18 (or rather, when i started attending at 15), the church was a great fit for me. It included most of my social group, it gave me something to do, it gave me a path that I needed. When I started to step away over a year ago, it was because the church wasn't a good fit for me anymore. The church had changed and I had changed. It wasn't making me a better person, it wasn't making me happy.

I tried to make it work until I couldn't anymore. I couldn't make the LDS stance on the LGBT+ community work anymore. I can't make sense of a loving God requiring his LGBT+ children to live a single and celibate life. That's not love, it's a punishment. I couldn't make the way I felt marginalized as a woman in the church work anymore. I couldn't make polygamy work. The list goes on. I don't even know what the breaking point was, I just know that it was like a switch got flipped and suddenly I knew I couldn't make it work anymore. I had to move forward.

I don't regret my time spent in the church. It shaped me during formidable years, provided me with a safety net, and most importantly helped me meet Brian (at a ward prayer, of all things). There are things I certainly miss about the LDS church. I miss the sense of community. I think the people are the best part of the church. I miss the sense of certainty. I miss feeling the connection I had with people all over the world. I miss the shared experiences I had with my other believing friends. Sometimes it feels like there is a gulf between us now, and I'm wary to make even a lighthearted joke about the church for fear of it being misconstrued as my being a bitter ex-Mormon.

I don't miss the guilt. I don't miss feeling like I wasn't good enough or that I never quite belonged. I don't miss constantly trying to fit myself into a box that was the wrong shape for me. I don't miss how I felt like it was my right to judge other's worthiness. I don't miss having to ignore my own gut feelings about what was right because someone else was telling me what was really right. I don't miss quieting my own inner voice to listen to someone else's. There is so much peace in being able to follow my own voice, to give myself permission to decide what makes me a good person and choose how to live a fulfilling life.

I love this new sense of freedom and lightness. I never expected to have a life where I felt so free. I love the ability to decide for myself what spirituality will look like. I love knowing that I won't have to worry about my daughter growing up in a church that doesn't always seem to value her.

I no longer believe in one true church or the Mormon version of God. I believe in a God who is inclusive of everyone. Who loves everyone. Who I don't have to communicate with through my husband. I don't believe any one religion is better or more special than others. I don't believe in looking down on others for not living up to impossible and arbitrary standards. I don't believe in making people jump through hoops their whole life in the hope that they will get to be with their families in heaven.

I think love is enough.

I always believed in a heaven and being with my family there. Being Mormon taught me that I wouldn't be. I believe in people choosing their own path, their own way back to God, and their own happiness. I believe in love. I believe in acceptance. I believe in coffee.

It's hard to know I've disappointed and upset people. I just want to please people and for everyone to approve of my decisions. It's hard that it feels like this one decision will invalidate other decisions. That my marriage is seen as less valid, or my parenting decisions are less inspired. It's hard that people may view bad things that happen to us being a result of leaving the church. It's hard to know that some people won't believe me when I say our lives have been so happy and so blessed since we left. Things have worked out and fallen into place, our marriage is stronger, and we're both much happier people.

To my friends and family who stay, don't think I am encouraging you to leave. If the church works for you, if it brings you happiness, then absolutely that's where you should be. I hope to see all of you making the church a more accepting place, and I'm so happy you find your joy there. For those  who might be struggling, know that you're not alone, that there are others like you. Know that no matter where you land, it will get better.